Selection

There has been a lot of debate on various blogs about gender selection, which is a major issue in international and domestic adoption. There are many many statistics out there that back-up the claim the Americans who are adopting want girls for various reasons. I'm not going to link to the blogs, and chats that have brought me to write about it-- I'm not trying to fan a fire, I just want to get something off my chest.

Look, here's the thing, when we filled out our form we wrote no preference in the gender box. We did this with every intention of having a son. We wouldn't have minded a daughter (obviously), but we did our homework, and knew that a boy was much more likely. I should add that I have always pictured having three sons, and I don't feel the least bit guilty about that. Nor do I think I should feel guilty--the same way that I think that people who choose a daughter because they want a daughter shouldn't feel guilty.

I think what is bothering me about this debate-- and the judgement that is implied, that by picking a girl you want a doll-- is that one of the facts about adoption is that is a unique opportunity to have more choice about who precisely your family is. Before we get to the baby- shopping-finger-pointing of the episode, let me say that I don't think ANYONE makes any of these choices lightly. I feel the sting of this kind of debate, because while no one comes right out and says "Oh, you wanted a WHITE baby", often there is a heavy silence where it rings loud and clear that that is what some people think. (Seriously, don't people realize how massive and diverse Russia is? It is not the land of only the blond haired, and blue eyed).

The thing is, I feel, that people are much more confident in calling each other sexist outright, instead of racist. I live in a very liberal place, where people are supposed to be open and accepting to a fault. However, this acceptance can often wrap back around itself and this same quality can be expressed as horrible intolerance. Our reasons are are own business, and are not always so obvious.

Adoption is HARD. We did not just run into Target and pick out our son. We did serious soul-searching to figure out how WE were going to be the best parents that we are capable of being. We know why we chose Russia, and we had prepared ourselves for all the possibilities the best that we could. It so happens that people comment on how much Monkey looks like my husband, that is how this adoption happened, who knows who our second child will be? Our agency only allows preferences for gender, age, and special needs, and I feel that these are all fair preferences. When my friends get pregnant, without fail they have all said "I am hoping for a _____." I feel that is natural to have an image in your mind, and the fact about adoption is that these children already exist, and they all need a place to go, family, love, and nurturing.

Encouraging people to really explore their own feelings on a particular subject is a good thing, judging people for decisions that you may not agree with or understand is not fair. Parenthood is a joyful thing, and I just want to hold on to our beautiful boy who was ours before we knew him.