I'm having a hard time actually writing about something that is really bothering me. I read all of these other blogs, and these kids are talking up a storm after just a few months home, or at least have a few words. To date, the monkey still has no words. Don't get me wrong, his receptive language has improved considerably, he understands almost everything we ask him, he communicates with signs and pointing, he is starting to make very important connections with his language, but no words. He mumbles Mama alot, but it isn't me, he kind of yells eh-oh when he sees Elmo. Here is what bothers me. I think it must be something I am doing wrong. I feel like I am failing him. Maybe I don't talk enough? I feel like I label everything, I feel like I have nothing else that I could be saying to him, but maybe I'm just wrong?
This is really difficult. I always joke that motherhood is really guilthood, but seriously.
We have two early intervention people come twice a week, one is for language, the other is an occupational therapist. They have been very encouraging to me (because clearly I wear my feelings on my sleeve). They are very sure that there is no cognitive delay here, that he is simply learning, and that he is doing well at that. (I should add here that in my eyes he is brilliant, and his only downfall is me).
Part of all of this is how tired I am. My depression, that I've been dealing with for the past 13 years worsens with the staying inside and shorter days of winter. In the past, I've just trudged through from November to May, waiting for the sun and not getting much done-- but it is really unfair to inflict this on Monkey. My biggest fear about becoming a mother was that I would be the Mommy who took a lot of naps, and cried all the time. I am holding steady away from that, but I am exhausted. I am still the happiest I have ever been, but my patience is much shorter, and my wits end always seems much closer. I am avoiding medication, I have done them all-- and Ritalin actually worked for me, but I am too paranoid about our future adoptions and having to get a "She's not THAT crazy" letter from a doctor, which I know people do, and are successful in their adoptions. However, did I mention my feelings of deep shame that I feel like this? That I feel like I should be able to fix this? That I have always fought this privately, and that when you adopt everything that was once private becomes public? I never want to have look at a Judge and listen to a translation of "No, really, I'm fine, it's all good now." I am achy and I have odd pains (Like today my eyeball hurts. Hello?! My eyeball, are you kidding me? How do you even convey to your eyeball to get the fuck over it?), it makes it harder to exercise, to eat right, to make an effort.
So maybe I don't talk enough. About anything. In the meantime I will listen to my parents as they insist that The Boy just explained The Oprah Factor in Obama's Campaign, and give all of us some more time.
2 comments:
hi Jen,
Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog.
I know exactly how you feel abouth the talking. T didn't talk, which seemed like forever. I honestly think, it would have taken her so much longer, had it not been that she has an older brother. I was so scared that she wouldn't talk. We did use Early Intervention, and she only qualified for a weekly teacher. The people who had done the evaluation at first, said, she is capable of doing everything, but because of her neglect in the orphanage, she needed to be "taught" how do everything. The teacher was awesome, she used sign language, bubbles, songs, etc. Which to me, I couldn't see how it would get her to the next level, which was speaking, but it did. She didn't talk until she was home for MONTHS. I can't remember when the first "word" came out, but it was months after we came home. I think in July (about 5 months home) that I remember having a conversation with my friend, who's son, was very speech delayed. I told her I was scared that T wouldn't ever talk. she assured me that E was the same way, and it took almost a year for him. I know this kid, and he does talk, so it was a nice reassurance that it will come. I still was skeptical, but it did happen. It still didn't take off right away, but now, almost a year home (almost 11 months) her vocabulary is taking off. I'm not a doctor or trained in this, but that was just my experience. Talk to the speech therapist, and ask them what they think about (I'm sure you have done this).
I know what you mean about short days too! gosh, it just brings me down.
feel free to e-mail me if you want.
Hugs to Monkey and take care, hang in there,
Laura
Trust me, sweetie, it's not you. My grandson, born in the good ol' USofA, talked and talked and talked all the time--but no one could understand him except his older sister, and I think that she was fibbing most of the time. He's now 4 and is understandable most of the time. His sister talked impeccably from the age of 1. Go figure.
My niece and nephew say that their cat, Tiggy, raised them because their mother was always taking naps. She suffered from severe depression, still does. So do I. We both choose the medication route, because without it, life is hell. But then we're both way past the age of wanting to adopt. We're grandmother age. Grandmothers can take meds and their grandkids don't know the difference.
(Some of this is tongue-in-cheek, but honestly, I know where you're coming from. This February has been the darkest month of my life, yet I'm happier now than I've ever been. Life is weird.)
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