Begin Again....

Well, hello bicycle... how does this thing work again?

My two babies are sleeping upstairs, boychild will turn 5 in October, and my little girlfriend turned 2 in May, my husband is sleeping in our rental apartment downstairs because we are getting a divorce. This past year has absolutely kicked my ass on every level, the highest of highs (bringing Girlfriend home last July from Moscow), and the lowest of low (see bombshell above).

My husband is a nice, good, and decent man, and I think that I am all of these things as well, (except for the man bit). There is no simple explanation, it wasn't cheating, beating, or stealing, it was more gradual, and excruciating. We became two laborers working in the field beside one another, not looking each other in the eye, not appreciating the load the other was carrying. The earth shifted beneath my feet, and I looked up and said I can't do this anymore. I was numb to everything, except my kids, and that is not the way I want my life to go. I tried to fix it, but we were already too far apart, and I couldn't stand the thought that my kids would think that this resentful person was their mother.

On a purely selfish level, one of the hardest things to face is the dissolution of a perfect (to me) family portrait, a nice looking man and woman and their gorgeous children standing on the steps of the house that they own. We were going to have 4 children, and I am devastated that I might not have any more children. I wanted so desperately to be his wife, but we shattered, and the shards are impossible to clean up in one go.

So, the upshot is that I am absolutely paralyzed. I need to get a job, and I need to figure out daycare (oh, look at me sob now).... I need to move forward. Dear Internet, maybe you can scare my feet into walking?